Aimlessly Seeking Comfort

Do you ever drive around, wondering where you're going? Sometimes I get all packed up and ready to go, get in my car and start driving somewhere, then decide I should go somewhere else, then almost get there, and decide to go home. It's not as simple as it sounds though.

Like this morning. I took a shower, got dresssed, packed my laptop, a couple notebooks, and another backpack full of stuff. See, that's part of the problem right there. I spend way too much time packing, deciding what to pack, looking for things, moving things, and unpacking things. I always bring more to do than I ever get done, and more than I need. And that's time consuming!

I usually start off knowing where I'm going. My plan was to go to Starbucks and drink coffee while I used their WI-FI and sorted through paperwork. I drove right past it though. Then I changed my mind and went back. I only got a coffee, then I left. I felt like I needed a more comfortable place to work, but I didn't want to go home, because of my furniture moving problem. I would probably get distracted cleaning and rearranging.

I need a good spot, a regular place where I can get coffee and use WI-FI that's comfortable and has a good view. I drove towards the beach wondering if I'd see one, and if I did see one, would I be brave enough to go in a new place...

The ocean air felt good on my skin and I breathed it in deeply as I sat at a red light watching a guy struggle with his surfboard on a bike. I wish I had an open-air cabana right outside my bedroom door. One with curtains for privacy, an amazing view, and lots of pillows and table top space. There would be a ceiling fan, a soft blanket or two, and those little white lights that look like stars in the night sky. The flowers all around would make the breeze smell like heaven, and candles would make the shadows dance when the sun went down. That would be perfect.

I pulled into another Starbucks down the road, giving myself a second chance to get some work done. After sitting in my car doing my makeup in the parking lot for ten minutes, I left. I drove towards my apartment hoping for inspiration, and wound up back home after all, where I laid my paperwork all over my bed, opened the window facing the pool, turned on the fan, and surrounded myself with pillows and candles. 

New Apartment

I keep cleaning and rearranging, cleaning and rearranging. I think I have a furniture moving problem. But seriously, if no one ever sits in that chair, it's in the wrong place.

I got through 5 days in a row of my Tony Robbins CD's. I was meditating and planning my destiny for 2 weeks straight after my job ended at Brookstone. Things were going great! They still are though. It's never too late anyway. But I feel like I've taken a step back. I've lost my focus.

In spite of that, I have to say, I am the queen of being unemployed. I've spent the most part of the last 5 years getting by on assistance and a little freelance web design on the side. School was good too :) I'm glad I've been able to swing it so that I could be available for SB so much. I can't believe she's turning 5 in a couple days! OmG!!!

It really felt good working though. Having a set schedule and so much to do everyday kept me going. I wish I could enjoy my time off more, but I feel like a bum most the time if I don't leave the house and all I do is "play" on my laptop and do art projects with the kids. Getting dressed up and wearing makeup helps a little. And getting out of the house.

We have so much stuff now! I can hardly believe it! Last October we moved into this appartment with little more than our clothes and a 4' tall scratch post that SB thinks is hers to sit on top of, not the cat's. It was the first and only piece of furniture we'd acquired so far. The room we were renting in Laguna Hills was furnished, so we hadn't really needed anything.

For several weeks after moving from Laguna Hills to our apartment in Huntington Beach, we slept on the floor. There were no lights in the bedrooms and we didn't have a lamp, but the dining room had lights and a ceiling fan, and the best view of the pool. Our first night there, I realized how little we really had. It wasn't like staying at a hotel with a coffee maker and clean towels. We had 2 dirty beach towels, no coffee or coffee maker, instant oatmeal, but no pan, bowl, or microwave, ONE blanket, and ONE pillow. Our first night here, I found a blanket in the closet that someone left behind, and I got so excited I think I even screamed!

With a suitcase as a nightstand, a jar of peanut butter, and one plastic spoon for the two of us, we got comfortable and watched the only DVD we had on a little portable DVD player we brought from MA. I felt on top of the world having the whole place to ourselves, even if just for a few nights, until we got roommates. After renting the room in Laguna Hills, it was nice to have some space, and a little more privacy and freedom!

It's funny how your perspective changes your feelings about places and situations, and things. If we had moved here right after losing the little yellow house in Texas with its' yard, and garage, and stainless steel everything, we might have hated it! We probably would have been bothered by noisy neighbors, stained carpet, and having to walk a block to the car (that I didn't have yet). But I was in heaven when we got this place, and I still love it more than anywhere I've ever lived!

The view of the pool, and the jacuzzi with steam rising from it, all blue and lit up at night, takes me away to a place where I'm laughing with friends, painting my nails a bright color, and flipping through a fashion magazine. Even when I'm really just stuck washing dishes, I feel like I'm there.

We looked for a pool in Laguna Hills all last summer, but the only options were to jump a fence to the neighbors, or pay $8 at a public pool that would take an hour to get to by bus. I thought our room in Laguna Hills would at least have a view of a pool. The Google satellite map showed the neighbors on all sides having pools, but it wasn't how imagined it. We had a view of a cliff instead. lol!

Now I finally have the view that I want, and a pool we can use. And the best part is, I'm grateful for it, everyday.

FIT Class - Families in Transition

I was excited to take the class. I didn't mind that it was mandatory for parents in MA who are getting divorced. Any info I can get to help my daughter through this rough transition is welcome. There were about 20 people in the class Wednesday night, and maybe one or two shared my point of view. The lady teaching the class was friendly and compassionate though. She wanted to know all of our stories, and most of us shared, others scowled. We had a few good laughs anyway. When asked what we gained in a divorce, our list included weight, debt, and freedom. And what have we lost? We've lost our MINDS! At least temporarily, at some point or another. And why do we think the divorce rate has gone up so much in the last 50 years? Oh I know this one! "Because guys are lazy bums; they don't work as hard as they did back then." I smiled at my snide remark. The laughter in the room was abruptly interrupted by shouting, "I'M OFFENDED BY THAT AND IF THIS CONTINUES I'M LEAVING!" It was the guy who earlier had introduced himself bitterly as, "My wife wants a divorce and I don't. I really don't want to be here." I slouched down in the chair I had taken next to the teacher. "Sorry," I muttered. The class was quiet. I stared at my hands as the teacher continued. My internal dialog drowned out the lesson: Don't say anything else. Keep my mouth shut. Just sit quietly for the remaining 2 hours of the class, I  know I say stupid things when I'm nervous, so zip it... I can't believe he yelled at me! It was a joke, it wasn't aimed at him, why'd he have to yell at me!? That was so RUDE! I'm gonna say something to him, I'm gonna tell him I didn't like that, I didn't DESERVE that! No wonder his wife wants a divorce. What a prick. I glared at him. Then the guy behind me said something about our society raising a bunch of spoiled brats. "I'M OFFENDED!" I blurted out. He started to argue with me and I started wondering what kind of cruel trick was being played on me, as kicked myself for not keeping my mouth shut like I suggested. Before I could get him to see how funny I am (haha) he was arguing with another woman and I knew then that I was in a room full of people I'd love to divorce.